I haven’t been fat my whole life. But close enough. I started gaining weight in the 6th grade. I had started the year at a new school and made a lot of friends. Unfortunately, a month into the year we moved and I had to switch schools. Almost immediately, I was the new torture victim of the boys in my class. I had 4 out of my 6 classes with all the same people, and almost everyday I left both my math and science classes crying. My teacher ignored it, and no one else understood how serious it was. I was alone, and sad and turned to food. Everyday I was eating loads of junk food from the vending machines, and it didn’t take long for me to start putting weight. It was right around the time I hit puberty, and I felt awkward and just horrible. The rest of middle school wasn’t much better, and over the last 8 years leading up to now, I managed to get up to 225.
I’ve spent my entire adolescence and young adult hood overweight, and it’s a hard identity to shed. As much as I hate the weight and wish I could wake up in the morning 100lbs smaller, it has also been a layer of protection for me. I can opt out of things simply because I’m too big, instead of saying that I’m scared. Once I lose the weight I won’t have anymore excuses and I’ll have to confront who I really am, and what I’m really afraid of. It’s terrifying, but I think I’m finally ready.
I started this new “journey” about five weeks ago, and it hasn’t been without its ups and downs. The first week went really well, I cut down substantially on my calories and exercised almost everyday, and at the week of the week I had lost 5lbs. The second week I lost 3.5lbs. The week after that didn’t go so well, which I think I can blame mostly on my monthly visitor. I gained 1.5lbs, and it was fairly depressing. I also started having problems with my knee and calf muscles in my right leg, so I wasn’t exercising as much. That week, I lost 3lbs, though I’m not sure how. Last week suuuuucked. I mean, it was fun and I had a great time, but I ate horribly. I had chinese food (though it was only soup and 2 spring rolls), went out for sushi twice and had pizza. Needless to say, I gained weight, 2.5lbs to be exact. So that brings my total to 8lbs lost.
That isn’t a lot of weight, but I can already see and feel my body changing. This week has been great. I ate pretty crappy on monday, but I felt so sick and awful afterwards that I think it has put me off of crap food for awhile. I’ve been eating great, keeping my calories to around 1300 and exercising everyday. I’m looking forward to weighing in this week, hoping to lose at least 2lbs so I can get back up to 10lbs lost.
I’m ridiculously camera shy. I’m that girl who puts up her hands to shield her face whenever a camera is taken out. Obviously then, I don’t have very many pictures of myself. The few that I do have are of just me, and they were only saved because I feel like they don’t make me look “fat and disgusting.” I would spend hours focussing on angles and lighting to make myself look better. The picture that I’m posting is one of the few that I think is actually an accurate representation of what I look like, but isn’t unflattering. I’ll be taking more pictures as soon as I get a camera, of my food, of my progress, basically everything. 🙂