I love weekends. Especially spring and summer weekends….when I can spend my time wandering around the farmer’s market, hanging out with family on a back porch somewhere drinking beer and talking, or camping. I always look forward to weekends….but this Friday has come with a lot of anxiety. Let me explain.
Without getting into too much detail….I’ve had a lot of issues with my friends in the past 8 months or so. My best friend “friend dumped me” in January. We had been hanging out constantly for months, especially since she and her boyfriend (another good friend of mine) had broken up…sometime last fall. Then, around November, she started dating this other guy who was also in our circle of friends in high school (and the former best friend of her ex.) I was there for her through a lot, including the two weeks of tears after the breakup. She had a new year’s eve party, which I didn’t go to because I was sick, and then suddenly everything changed. A couple of days into January, I sent her a message on msn, and she was completely cold. So I sent her an email, genuinely concerned about her, asking what was wrong. I got back this long email about how she felt I was taking advantage of her generosity, and if I don’t want to contribute monetarily to our friendship, there wouldn’t be one. I basically told her to shove her friendship. I knew the whole time that it was about her new boyfriend, who never liked me. I was devastated that this girl who has been my best friend for years would so easily toss me aside for a guy. And when they broke up 2 months later, she sent me a message. No apology, no sign of any regret. (Ha….so much for not getting into too much detail). I’ve pretty much avoided her….because I don’t know how to deal with the situation. We have a lot of mutual friends, and while I would like to be on good terms with her, that would take an apology on her end, and that’s something I’m pretty sure she will never give me.
On the other side of my friends…..there’s her ex-boyfriend, who has pretty much always been the ringleader of the group. I very briefly dated his best friend last summer, and it won’t seem to leave me alone. We made the absolute worst couple. I don’t want to say that he’s stupid…but he’s no nobel prize winner either. And not to toot my own horn….I’m fairly intelligent. I need someone who can keep up with me intellectually….and he couldn’t. He was so freaking quiet, something I never expected, because he has always been fairly outgoing around his friends. Maybe he was just nervous, but it was kind of off putting. He was also kind of cold. We got into an argument, and I started crying, mostly because I was so pissed off that he wasn’t listening to me. In reaction to my crying, he started laughing at me and saying I needed to learn how to take a joke. So that was pretty much over right then and there….sealed with a slam as I shut the car door as hard as I could. However, the drama wasn’t over. I made a couple of drunken mistakes that included him last fall, and my complete lack of emotion may have hurt his feelings, who knows, but after that, he turned into the worlds biggest jackass. He started sending me messages saying that I owed him money, and when I told him to shove it, he went on this tirade about how I’m a walrus, and morbidly obese (which I am certainly not). It didn’t hurt, because I don’t think I could possibly respect his opinion less than I do, but it was just annoying.
So…now that I’ve given some backstory….here’s the reason for the anxiety. My ex (I hesitate to even call him that), goes everywhere his best friend goes, and I’m assuming that will include the party tonight. I don’t want to see him, because he will either be a complete jerk (but I’m not sure if he has the balls to be like that to my face), or he’ll spend the entire night trying to get in my good books in a very misguided attempt to get into my pants. To be completely honest, I would rather he be a jerk. Well…I’d rather he completely leave me alone, but if I had to pick one, I’d pick jerk. I also haven’t seen most of my friends for a couple of months, since I stopped drinking and participating and other recreational activities that they all favor. So yeah….if it were just a regular old party, I might opt out, but it’s a birthday party for a girl I really like, and it’s nice of them to even invite me considering my AWOL status, so I want to go. We’ll see how it goes. I’ve missed out on a lot in my life because of fear and anxiety, and I’m so sick of it. I turn 20 in two weeks…and it will mark a change in who I am. I won’t let my anxiety rule my life. I’d rather regret doing something, than not having the courage to do it at all. (Excluding stupid, dangerous things).
And I think my life of living anxiety/regret free is going to start with sending a message to my former best friend. At the very least I’ll get all of this off of my chest. From what I’ve gathered from the few messages we’ve sent back and forth (and from what I know about her), she wants to be friends again, but doesn’t know how to get to there. So I’ll give her a map.
Anyways…Happy Friday to everyone out there!!