Jen’s Blog

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Well…That Sucked 06/11/2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — jennijs @ 6:57 PM

So…..my boyfriend and I broke up today. And before you stop reading, the point of this post isn’t to go on and on about how sad I am. I mean, of course I’m sad, but I’m doing a lot better than I would have predicted.  Here…to give you an idea, I’ll compare what old Jen would have done in this situation, and what new Jen did.

Old Jen….well, she would have cried for hours, wondering what’s wrong with her, staring at herself in the mirror picking apart every facet of her appearance. Then she would have tortured herself by reading any sweet emails from the ex that she had saved, or looking at pictures of the two of them. By this point…the sadness would have filled up the entire room, and there would be nowhere left to go but down. And this is when she would start eating. It wouldn’t be a conscious choice….one second she would be blowing her nose into a Kleenex…the next she’s knee deep in a bucket of ice cream and surrounded by candy wrappers. It just seemed to happen like that. Almost like an emotional blackout, and you wake up with the evidence of your poor choices all around you. Of course, all of this eating would just make her feel worse….and as we all know, eating does nothing to change your emotions….it just pushes them down for awhile.

New Jen….well, I cried. And I felt sorry for myself. For about 10 minutes. And in those 10 minutes I really let myself feel it. I didn’t try to ignore the sadness….I really, really felt it. And then I let it go. This part might have been easier because I’ve known for awhile that this guy isn’t the one for me, but mostly I think it’s because of the changes I’ve undergone in the past few months. Eating didn’t occur to me. If someone had suggested getting a pint of ice cream I would have been like “what?!” Instead, I went for a run. And maybe it’s just the endorphins, but I’m happy. Yes…it sucks that we broke up. Yes…it really sucks that it happened the day before my birthday, but in the big picture of things, this will be a little blip on my radar, and now I can go on to bigger and better things.

I’m not saying I won’t cry again. I might. But it’s really nice to know that I have discovered a much better way to deal with my emotions…a way that doesn’t involve multiple trips to the fridge and even more guilt and sadness. So….that sucked, but I’ll get over it.

 

NSV!!! 06/09/2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — jennijs @ 4:07 PM

In the past few weeks I’ve spent a lot of time reading other blogs, and marvelling at the random appearances of NSV’s. I had no idea what they meant, until I came across someone who was kind enough to define it….Non-Scale Victory. I’ve had a few of those along this neverending journey, but my first big one happened a few nights ago.

I’ve mentioned before that I like running. If I’m on the treadmill, plain old walking bores the crap out of me. Ten minutes of that and I lose my will to live. I start strategizing about other things I could be doing to workout…like, how about I blindfold myself and try to navigate the war zone of open boxes in my basement. I prefer running…. I’m concentrating so hard on breathing properly and not tripping over my own feet that I don’t have time to think about doing anything else. When I started this three months ago….225 and out of breath from taking the stairs too quickly… I could barely run a 1/4 mile without passing out. It took everything I  had to complete a 21 minute workout….and only 6 minutes of it was running. About a minute into my second interval I was convinced that hell did in fact exist…and had taken up residence on my treadmill. Thankfully, my love of running, however faint it was at that time, kept me from stopping.

At the height of running abilities, I was able to run 1/2 a mile on my dad’s treadmill, from what I remember. I aspired to that for a long time, and since I was a good 40 or 50lbs lighter then…I assumed it would take me a long time to get back to that. It was less than a month in that I hopped on the treadmill and ran 1/2 a mile at once. I was ecstatic. And then a few weeks ago I ran 3/4 of a mile at once. I thought I would pee my pants I was so excited. I wanted to tackle a full mile, but I was scared of failure.

Last Saturday…I hadn’t had the best day, and I wanted to have a good reason to remember that day, not a bad one. And I finally did it. I ran a full mile. 12 minutes. And I didn’t feel like I would pass out at the end. And I did it again the next day. I’m not the best with follow through, so achieving something like that meant a lot to me. And this whole not quitting thing is really paying off. I weighed in yesterday and I was at 202. Which means I am 2.5lbs away from my original goal. I doubt I’ll get there by Friday…but knowing I’m this close, that to reach this goal I’m climbing a hill, not a mountain, feels really nice.

 

It’s Better Than Nothing 06/02/2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — jennijs @ 12:43 PM

The weekend was good. My anxiety peaked when I got lost for 15 minutes trying to find the house where the party was…but it quickly dissolved once I was actually there. Yes, I didn’t know a bunch of the people, and yes I felt awkward, but it was fun. The fun might have been a by-product of the drinks I consumed, but I wasn’t even close to falling down drunk, and I didn’t do anything embarrassing, so it’s all good. And it seems like, after a 3 month hiatus, I’m included back into my group of friends. It’s nice. I never realized how much I missed all of them.

As for my former best friend….I sent her a message. Basically what I said was, “I was hurt by the things you did and said. I was disappointed that instead of talking to me when you had a problem you let it build until it exploded. I don’t think we’ll ever be good friends again, but I would like to make amends with you. However, in order for that to happen, I need an apology from you.” Knowing what I know about her, I don’t think I’ll ever hear anything back. She’s stubborn, and never willing to take responsibility for her bad behaviour. And if I never hear from her, I’m fine with that. I just wanted to say my piece, and I’m good now.

In other news…as of my weigh in today, I’m down to 204.5. Only 5lbs more until my first goal….and I  have 10 days. That’s a little crazy. And I doubt I’ll make it, but I’ll try my hardest.